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TO THE PERSON WHO MAKES LOVE SO WORTH IT

You know meeting you can sort out every simple problem we hold. Every moment spent with you can make me feel, the happiness of staying with you forever.

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TO THE PERSON WHO MAKES LOVE SO WORTH IT ❤

Sitting at the bus at those late hours I wondered why actually I wanted to walk towards you.  Dilemma kept me bounding hard unless I could feel that it was going to be worth it, as always. I can remember well how frequently I could remember the way I will be standing in front of you; it felt like I was meeting you for the first time, well first time was not that tough though.  

 Trust me I was not trying hard to search you around as soon I landed, you know why? Because there were butterflies in stomach or what else I don’t know. As I turn around, that smile of yours was enough to burn away every fear that I had so far about all our fights. You know meeting you can sort out every simple problem we hold. Every moment spent with you can make me feel, the happiness of staying with you forever.

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I feel like how come things are so perfect with you when you are near? How come I don’t need to speak a word and you understand when we are together. I guess this is the best thing about us “being together.” Sitting alone I wonder how special you make me feel every time you introduce me with your buddies. I wonder how perfectly I can hold you tight when you drive and we just don’t need words between us. Do you remember? How nice it is when we seat next to each other and laugh at those movie dialogues. Those dialogues are like a part of us, for they have created memories for us. I wonder how good life is when I can see you every morning and start all over again with your touch. How good life is when I can call you late at night if I feel like having a kiss and can sleep smiling at those moments.

I wonder how good life is when I can smell your clothes. Everything is just perfect with you bloody, your morning kisses, your tight hugs, your hands holding mine, stupid jokes, your home, our family and everything. I don’t know whether you feel anything like me or not, but I am so damn sure that I want to live this life with you. I think we have spent enough time together and then every next time we meet things are more beautiful and different.

 I will keep these things well and safe I know.

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YOU AND ME <3 <3

There we go perfectly well with your mixed signals and my over thinking ❤🤔

When you smile looking at me I wonder,🤔 what was it for? May be you are in love with me? Or may be you are feeling close to me. Ooh I wonder things beyond your intentions. But still we go well with our own feelings. Happy and free . 🎆pexels-photo-842546.jpeg

When you laugh , trust me I would stare whole time at you . You don’t know but I could record every pitch of your laugh and try it out when I am alone. And then laugh. My mates do call me mad but how does it matter when it’s you and me even in my wonders.🤔😇pexels-photo-326582.jpeg

When you call out my name it sounds different to me. Yeah the same name everyone utters. But then when it’s you and me and you call out my name it seems it is the perfect version my name can me ever called out.😘pexels-photo-789822.jpeg

When you put your hand on my shoulder for a friendly bond. Each time there are butterflies running at a roller coaster speed in my stomach. I wonder and smile for I think 💭that you may be in love with me. Or not? But then I smile remembering no matter what.💓pexels-photo-219616.jpeg

When you call me or send me a text someday without any reason . Before I could receive the call or reply your text, I would love to stare and wonder. I start thinking may be you love to talk to me. May be I am in your mind. 😇Ooh yes I am or I am not? And then I smile and note down at my diary pages the date , for you called without any reason. Inked and closed.📝

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When you suddenly  ask me about my dreams one day. I once again starts wondering , 💭May be you are into me . You want to know and live my dreams together or you don’t? But then I smile and say out all my desires and dreams with a believe in you. Happy and free.🌀

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When you share me your school memories and little top secrets. I wonder , may be you consider me to be your soul mate. The one who can know your childhood secrets and memories. May be You consider me as your better half or you don’t?  But I secretly treasure those memories of your childhood in me. Quietly and Softly.❄

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When you sing songs and dance with me I wonder you love to laugh and stay mad with me. Yes I am the one you are looking for or not? But then I keep those tunes of music forever in my heart. Magical and Well.⚡

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When you get drunk with me and then talk to me all the shit you never speak to anyone. I wonder and smile all the time. Yes you need me even at your best and your worst. Or you are fine alone ? Then I keep all your shits preserve within me . Safe and Sound.✊

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And when you do all these and a lot more. I wonder you are in love with me and my soul. Because the way I wonder I am sure I am so much into you. Forever and a day.❤

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But see , you do fine at times without me. You do call out names of others. You do dance and sing well with all . You do get drunk with everyone. You do smile at others . You do hold them together. So I wonder what actually I am to you. A forever or never ? 🤔

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Still I smile and conclude in my mind every time that you do not talk shits to all, you don’t call them differently ,you don’t hold them that close , you do not wander with them like me , you do not call them to tell your desires. You don’t just sit around them quietly and feel wonderful. The way you feel when it is you and me , I believe.  And I smile…😍😍

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Forever Mine ❤

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Story Of His Life

Why don’t he fall in love again?

And people ask why don’t he believe in love?

I won’t romanticize heartbreaks </3

❤❤
Probably because burning down the edges of his childhood walls he felt the wrecking stone beneath his feet for the same home where he opened his eyes,  breathed , walked,  laughed and rolled for the first time is no longer home. 😞

The same walls made of love between his creators fell apart.

The same ground where he once laid his feet started to burn his soul apart for there is only shattered voices being asked to get separated.🕴

They finally did leaving him alone in the nights of those painful images where he asked himself where is the love that brought him to the world and  now why they can no longer      feel  that worth? Where is that love? 🙌

The days of those burning sun where he asked himself where can he find those lap to cry over or the shoulder to lay his head. Unable to believe in faith he left his ways forever from those paths never to return. But life had different plans for him for he met her in the way to console himself.

She came up like an angel or the raindrops ☔ putting down his burning soul into ashes . She was same as the frost winter sun to be fell in love with .💞

To him she felt like a love so true not the kind of love which he lost in the kind of his separated creators. But holy shit life once again love took him down to hell, with a heart unable to bear the pain of not having her the next moment for she left without words and images of separation. Of course she was same as first summer rain to him but not so for her was he that elegant. 👌

Life once again brought him to the part where love seemed as fucking hell. Same to that of burning edges where he lost his hands who made him. It seems he can adopt the devil inside him but gosh he didn’t do that.

We of course would have done this , we would have lost hope forever or might have shattered but he took a lesson a lesson to believe in dreams and desires. Now he is in love once again but not with anyone but his own dreams and desires , with himself.

But when people ask why don’t you fall in love all he can say is – I had found love in the wrong time both as my creators also as in her for Now I want the meaning of love the true of kind, with no lies, no cheats, no terms , no expectations, no give ups.

Or else I am fine without it for all my life love was futile. 💘

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YOU THINK YOU KNOW THAT GIRL?

you see only what she chooses to show you…

You can see only the part she wishes to show you.
You think you know that girl… ? Think Again 🙎
You have seen her smile but not her scars that can burn you so hard. You have seen her fighting for love but not the one who hates love to her heart’s depth. You have seen her passing low around you but not the one who can turn that lowness into her strength so quick as the air passing through your ear. You have seen her holding on but not the one who can just leave you without letting you utter a word. You have seen breaking apart all her walls and letting you get in but not the one who can build them so hard the next time that not even a bit of your sweetest words can break them apart. You think you know her? You have just seen her goodness which she prefers to give you but not the one who can be evil as hell for you don’t even ever imagine of her putting down. You think you know her? No you don’t for she just let you get the best of what she is not the one she can Be. She can choose you over anything but she can very well turn you into nothing. So you think you know her? Not really. 🖐
She sings through the larynx so broken yet the sound of her voice becomes damn popular. You know why? Because she chooses to live out of her comfort zone. She starts finding peace within her mind that blows fire into ashes. She live on her own.

👑
She does not need a king for being a queen because
* She was born to be her own Queen *👑

 

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Being A Bride,Only She Knows <3

Marriage
Definitely something which gives us both bitter and sweet experiences. She looks so beautiful in her attire that day.  Everyone loves her for she will be someone else onward. The color of her face when she puts light over the scene. But the feeling of leaving behind every single one with whom life until then was colorful, passing through the shades of new and unknown world to be hers soon is actually difficult. With the hope of living every day with fluttering wings a girl dream about being a bride from the day she finds an another bride so beautiful. The clothes and the jewellery so elegant. The feeling when she starts dreaming about the dress she will wear on her day. Her design on her hands will shine with bright colors. The smell of the food that will be offered. The piece of shades she will put on her eyes.Every girl dream about that special day. But little do they know the feeling of a bride when she imagines about not getting the taste of food her mother cooked everyday. Not having the celebrations at the place where she always had. Not having the walls that feel her own. Not having the people who means the world to her. Not hearing the sound of her mom asking her to be strong. Not having the hands to hold on. Not having the tears and love for her success on her father’s face. Not having the shoulders of her father’s to sleep on. Not having the fights over brother’s extra love and his faults. Not having the bed that smells like her. Not having  pillow that becomes her secret keeper. Not having the wardrobe full of her clothes with memories. Not having her sit at the dinner table anymore. The space to be remained empty after she’s gone. Just before the few days of departure do they understand what it means to be a girl and to be bride. It’s not that easy to say ‘yes’ and leave behind everything she owned from her first breath for something new. The fear in the heart and the happiness of being a bride so well gets juxtaposed that life seems like a black and white picture, which you must accept for there lies no other heavenly paths.
But then only she knows the long breath she takes with every smile she shows on her day.  Only she knows what it feel to hide her fear under her expensive makeover. Only she knows how hard the heart wreck with the single thought of leaving behind, everyone. Only she knows.

 

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MEN AND WOMEN

Men need to be expressive and women need to get that right. 🙂

Men need to be expressive and women need to get that right. 🙂

Men! Aren’t they humans? Why the world always teach them to be calm and strong. Emotionless! I don’t understand. 

I have never seen my brother coming up to me saying the words of sadness or delivering his difficulties. No never. Doesn’t he ever feel those emotions like me? May be somewhere he does. He surely feels. But the problem lies over his grown up system or I would love to say ‘our’ grown up system.

Like him, all other men in the world are taught from their first breath on earth that they are strong, they are bold, they don’t get hurt, and they are emotionless. All the problem begins right there. They should not cry, they should not hold on, they should not go down in their knees. They consider them as a soul without emotions and so acceptably we consider them the same. Why? 

Because this is what the world so far believes in. There are bonding that break apart, because of this  useless fact. We think men are cut off from emotions, they don’t get hurt and so we never think twice before hurting them. And the ‘men’ they think they are bold, strong enough not to cry, not to express, not to get low, not to surrender. And so they never do that. And bonding breaks apart. We both the men and the women are not of superpowers who can predict things. So it’s reliable to express what we feel. Men don’t know how to express and women they don’t let them. That is where the gap begins in all kind of relationships. 

How beautiful the world would have been if we were taught that men are expressive, that they are full of emotions and that they need love. If they are taught to be soft hard heart; generous and loving, expressive and caring instead of pretending to be emotionless. This is what the world should teach us about men as we grow up.

I send my great gratitude to all those people around us specially the men over around who actually express. Many unknown happiness can be build upon those emotions that are expressed. So the world needs a man who shares and a woman who cares about their sharing. There, we are done creating an awesome place to live in.

 

 

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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or 

memories Do remain but not so with people who shares them 👀

start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

👌 be yourself
With every rising sun there comes a new start new you 🙎

Life is all about what you see you read you learn and you tempt to write. Let your words be the key to someone’s heart of desires 💘

 

Dear Secret Stuff,

    I don’t see myself as a loser today, because I have created history through my name. My story itself is an inspiration for others. My life is a poetry which can lead one to see through the gray shades of lifelong journey. I am in love with the beautiful chapters of my life. I don’t see emotions overruling my heart and soul, taking me back to the gray areas of my life.

These were the word I could write at that moment over the pages of my diary. And the phone beeps… It was Rahul in the call.

Hello Rahul, I receive his call and ask, ‘how are you doing?’

Hello Mantasha. ‘I am doing absolutely fine. What about you?’ he replies with a happy tone in his voice.

I am doing well too’, I replied to his words with a claim to tell the reason for his call.

And he speaks, ‘Well Mantasha, you’ve to treat me heavy for what I am going to tell you can take few of your grief away.’

There is a feeling of excitement in my heart for I really love surprises. With a heart full of thoughts I agree to his words and ask him the news. I ask him not to make me panic and just let me know the reason behind his call.

He starts,

I had a talk with Abhinash Chatterjee (Chairman,’ News India’) the most celebrated and sophisticated news channel of Mumbai. We are engaged in a program to be highlighted for the upcoming event of World Women’s Day. In between our conversation your name suddenly flicked my mind, as he asks me for a heart taking story of a woman who I am mindful about. Hope you are getting what I am trying to explain to you Mantasha.

It’s totally fine to remember my name for such an occasion. And I am thankful to that. Is this the news for which you’re trying to take a treat from me? I replied to his explanation with a calm sense.

Don’t panic much Mantasha. I’ve a lot more to tell you. Listen, he says as he proceeds, the chairman of the channel has granted me the permission to choose the life of a lady to be presented for the day. And I have decided to take up your story for the day to be pen down in the headlines of every newspapers and channels. I just need your consideration.

Before he could move forward with his talk I interpret him in between. Rahul, you know well that I will not be able to present my story to the world. Not in front of such a big audience. I have been keeping my past with myself for years and shared at times with few close to me. And you are one of those few I have.

He replies with a convincing voice, ‘Try to understand Mantasha, opportunities never comes our way back. Your story is a piece of history, it can create wonders. It is full of life and can provide life to many if you dare to share. Don’t worry about failure; this word is not a part of you. You were a winner and you’ll always be. Please say yes and come for the interview. Please.

It was definitely a piece of surprising news for me. I never wonder of putting up my own story to the world. If I wondered I would have end writing down my own world instead of writing many other piece of works that people enjoy reading and admire a lot.

Rahul on the other hand is a friend in need and a partner of my scripts.  And saying a ’NO’ to him is next to impossible. Collecting back all those convincing words if his I said that I’ll be telling him my decision the next morning in the office. And we ended up the call with “See You Tomorrow.’

The night spent in the movement of one side to another of my bed, because I have recall all the moments that I have come across so far in my life. The gray shades of my life that I never ever wanted to remember again. And the next thought of remembering it again for the session wrecks me apart. But somewhere I know I’ve to do that and I need to overcome my fear of dealing with my past. And in order to bring back my confidence to my soul I start writing in my secret keeper (my diary).

 

Dear secret stuff,

     …Why to worry about the part of life that doesn’t let me sleep every time I recall? Why can’t I deal with them as I deal with all the hurdles in my life? Why do memories haunt me when the reality can’t break me apart? Why am I giving the moments of past the right to destroy my self-esteem? Why so? Rather I should live with my head high, with memories that let me shine, with desires that let me grow. I am stronger than before. I will overcome my memories of past that haunts. I will. I definitely can.

 

      With these words written on my diary pages as well as my soul I go to sleep.

 

 

Winter breezes touching my feet left uncovered during the night feels fresh and relived. I can feel the snowy touch of the air upon my flesh so divine.  What can be a better start for the day then this?

With fresh thoughts and positive vibes, I step out of my door into my car. As I drive along the busy streets towards my chamber I could still recall the words of Rahul. I could revive the notion of my mind and heart and try my best to say my decision, the decision that is best for me.

There at the doorsteps of my cabin I could find a familiar face. It was Rahul standing at my door gazing at me speaks from a distance.

‘Good morning Mantasha,’ hope you’re doing fine. He wishes with a smile.

‘Good morning Rahul, I am good’. I reply to his wish deliberately.

Come in Mantasha, I have guests at you wait’, he speaks letting me get inside my cabin.

With a thought of who can be that guest at my wait I put my first step in and there I see my favorite person sitting besides my chair. It is Ayan, my lifeline my savior.

‘Ayan, what a surprise,’ I literally shouts at him with immense happiness. Nothing can be better than having your soul mate right in front of you when you are confused with yourself. And I know who has called Ayan. It is the work of Rahul for he knows I will never deny a word of Ayan.

I look back at Rahul and ask him to fix the interview for the ‘Women’s Day.’ There is a smile at his face with my agreement for his proposal. I said yes for the interview.  Rahul leaves for the agreement to be done for the occasion as it is only three days more to go.

‘So! Mantasha’, Ayan says my name with a friendly tone and starts smiling at me as if he is trying to prove himself true. True in the sense it was Ayan who once said, ‘Mantasha there will be a time people will see you as idle, as inspiration. Grow stronger…’ The day is no longer far away, it is only a wait for few more hours to go.

For the rest of the two days I was preparing myself for the interview. How to begin and end up my journey, it wasn’t that easy as it seems. The mind often blocks the nerves where I can no longer think ahead. But then a phone call or a message to my best person worked every time.

 

Dear secret stuff,

       …Look up in the sky and wonder about what you actually need to do rather looking at the world with false hopes and desires. Make it go out of those boring days when you can only think about what’s wrong with your life. Better think what’s good. Make it worth living cause you never know when this breath of yours can send you its funeral note and you won’t be able to return back to the hopes left to be fulfilled.

 

 

As the rays coming in with through the holes of my window panes and the partially spread curtains I could feel the warm of a new day. I open my eyes and remember my heaven’s lord for a cherishing life. My phone beeps with a sound and it was a message from Ayan,’ See you at 05:30pm in the evening at Cafe Coffee Day. ‘

05:30pm in the evening.

The door of the Cafe Coffee Day opens as I push inward.  Beautiful colors added to my eyes around the place touches my vision. With my eyes also searching out for that idiot ‘Ayan’ and he is found nowhere.

While moving my eyes from one way to another, suddenly I can observe a yellow rose lying pleasantly over a table at the corner. I know it was Ayan so my smile turns broad as I proceed towards the table. Soon I reach the table someone stabs me from back, smiles at me and initially pulls the chair out for my motif.

He takes his seat as well and starts the conversation by asking me how is life behaving these days with me? And I tell him about the good days going in my life.

I ask, ‘What about you Ayan? ‘How is life going on?’  He replies as always ‘I am always good as you are with me.’ I had a talk with Rahul and he said that at the initial days you were worried about the interview? Why? You are brave girl, don’t you know that? You can never be fearful about criticism.

Before I could begin my reply he calls the waiter and orders two cold coffees for us with my favorite vanilla cookies. Glad, that I regard him as my best buddy for he even have a taste of my favorites. He knows things so well for me. There is where the friendship actually reflects its truth and depth.

In the meantime as the coffee and cookies arrive, I deliver my confusing instances to him.’ Ayan ‘, I am not worried about the world, I’m worried about myself. Telling my past is to remember each and every instance that I never want to recall. It’s not about the world that will criticize me. I am afraid of myself and my heart and mind that takes long and long time to forget things. I don’t want to recall the things that I have forgotten after years just for a piece of motivation for others.

‘Calm down Mantasha,’ Ayan utters in between with his hands holding my hands that shivers. ‘Why do you panic so much? This will be a very simple task for you. It’s just that you have to deliver your story so far, that’s all. Be calm and take your coffee and cookies you will be fine. And see I am here with you for the day so doesn’t worry about anything; things will turn out to be awesome.’

With a supporting hand I have in bonus some confidence for the next day. I believe that you always need a support and a guiding hand that can make you see your ways more clearly, and that’s what I have found in my best person ‘Mr. Ayan’

Dear secret stuff,

…It’s okay that you are broken today. It’s okay if you wake up dying inside. It’s okay if you are tired of finding out way to heal your wounds. It’s okay if you are trapped within your own mind and heart. It’s okay if you don’t know where you are going. Because it’s always okay not to know everything.

 

Women’s Day…

St. Flocks Studio, Mumbai.

Literally speaking my hands are shaking; my heart starts beating at a rollercoaster speed as I take my seat besides Rahul, the interviewer for the day. Seeing his face and of Ayan at a distance brings some kind of calmness in me as I know them well. I can feel the pain in my stomach as if the b butterflies running inside, not in lover but in nervousness of course. I have never been in such a situation where the lights of the cameras flashing on my whole. The large gathering looking at each appearance of mine; it feels like the whole world is around me so close to my soul.

Before I can visualize things properly everything is in position and Rahul starts the show.

‘Good Evening ladies and gentleman, today in this occasion of Women’s Day we have with us a beautiful lady from Mumbai. She is a powerful writer, who writes for women in general and her writings can turn faces bright. She will be sharing with us her journey so far and we hope that towards the end of the session we can have some powers at our hands through her words. I welcome Miss Mantasha Siddiki. ‘

I put forward my thanks to the agency for calling me out for the session and it begins.

The first question that Rahul asks can hold every instance trapped within my pent-up soul for so long. He knows it well how to bring out every single detail from my mouth and so he asks, ‘Mantasha can we know in brief about your journey that can serve for some spirit among the women all over the world? Tell us about your inspirations, about your failures, about getting high, tell us everything.

I take a deep breath…

Mixing up of an attitude that say we are grown up but we are not. I was at my 20s. My mother would rather be happy to teach me all household stuffs instead of putting emphasis on my studies; not because I’m good in cooking but because I should be a better housewife. I am not from a family that can live life on starts and moon. I have live my life on cold and heated grounds.

It is as early as those days when finding a smart phone is like finding out the North Star at the sky among so many others. My Abba who is popularly known among the area as ‘vaijan’ is being called out one day by some of the policemen. It is like 01:00 o’clock in the noon, and he is taken at a distance by the policemen for some conversation that I cannot hold on to my ears for the distance maintained. Later when he comes back home; ammi starts asking him altogether as all ladies do.

Abba speaks with a low and concerned voice,’ the policemen are asking us to clear our chawl as soon as possible.’

With an aggressive mood ammi replies,’ clear our chawl?’ but why will we clear my own place? This is our own colony and they don’t have any rights to take it over from us. Why are you back in home without saying anything to them? Why? Tell me why?’

Because I am bound not to speak against them’, abba replies in anger,’ they said that the letter has come from the court and in this area some big businessmen are going to establish big firms. And we can’t deny the order of court.

‘And where shall we go? ‘, ammi asks for solutions instantly.

‘They will provide us some land’, abba replies and get into his room in tension.

The news brought tension among all the families in the chawl and finally it was decided by everyone that they will not leave their place no matter what. They will fight for their rights in the court. That was the wrong and right decision taken by everyone. The decision changed everything in our lives. Several organizations were formed to protest against the injustice, however some of them were put into trial and few get injured in the process.

There was a conflict between the government authorities; being sold into the hands of those big entrepreneurs and businessmen and the members of chawl. Power and money buys the ticket and same happen in this case the authorities win the case and were asked to clear the chawl anyway possible.

I can still remember I was a girl who didn’t agree upon the fact of losing my nativity not at any cost; for I belong to the place I was born in. and the authorizes cannot take away the nativity of someone all of a sudden. It’s an injustice on my part.

One peaceful evening after all sort of fights and protest, I could hear some sound of the crackers being blown off. The sound was actually the inauguration for the destruction; no one in the chawl ever dreamed about. Once again there began the chaos all over. The men of the chawl started protecting their own lands, their women and children, but they end up losing in the hands of authorities. People started crying out loud in pain for their injuries.

A hole in the wall of my house could make me weak, the bodies lying plain in the ground in blood. I could see the men with red caps of the authority, breaking down each and every part of the chawl without sympathy. They were mercilessly shooting down every person that comes in between their work. The condition of the women were so pathetic, with their infants at hand, some of them are being shot dead together. The young girls were being harassed. This was the most scornful and disastrous scene I have had ever experience in my life. I was there inside my room shivering at the condition of the people. I could see the men with red caps putting oil over the chawl and in a moment the houses started burning. The sparkle of red color spread all over in that dark night. The fire blowing above making the black dark starling sky full of gray ashes, everyone in next few hours were aware of the incident.

 

Next moment when I opened my eyes all I could see, the white walls and an unknown world. I could hardly feel myself, my body felt so unreal, when I asked one of the white dressed ladies walking in the hall about whereabouts I am? She asked me to take rest and move forward without any hint.

I started remembering the previous things, but they could hardly make way to my mind, may be because I was not well at those hours. All I could remember was the burning palace I lived in. the place which hold my childhood, my dreams, my desires, my happiness, my own belongings burnt into ashes. It was my heaven’s palace. But…

The door opens and the face that arrives near was similar to me, it was ‘Ayan Shaikh.’ I met Ayan at a seminar for writing purposes at Delhi. He was from a different college and from my college it was me who got selected for attending the seminar. We were partners at the seminars for our tasks. From that time onwards we are good friends and we were in contact.  Ayan belongs to a very sophisticated family and in this regard we are different from each other, but I can gladly say that he never tried to make me feel low. He holds me above every time I fell down.

Between the white walls at those hours of tough survival I saw Ayan approaching towards me. I hold his hand and start asking him with teary eyes, ‘Where are ammi and abba, Ayan?’

‘Mantasha, you are not well now, take some rest. They will be fine don’t worry ‘, he replies to me with a shattered voice that can’t lie.

Three days were gone and I could not find my parents near me. I was so worried about them; all the stupid thoughts started surrounding my mind as I think of the incident and about ammi and abba. I felt helpless. The doctor arrived at the third day as I was recovering a bit from my burnt face and the whole body that was covered with white bandage. When I asked the doctors they informed me that almost eighty percentage of my body is burnt badly. It was Ayan; the doctor informed who brought me here to the hospital from the relief camp. As days passed without any news about ammi and abba, the doctor informed that I will not be able to walk for a long time. May be it will take years for me to recover because the injuries are deep. I could hardly move my feet and hands in pain, the extreme pain that start at times could take my breath away. But I survived with the hope to see my parents. Every time I asked Ayan about them he simple put down my words with,’ I will take you to them, first get well Mantasha.’ At times I shouted at Ayan, ‘why did you save my life? I was better dead than being in this position where I can’t stand without any help.’

After around a week as I felling better and can sit somehow on the wheel hair I asked Ayan to take me to my parents. That day he agreed to my words and put me into my wheelchair and we proceed through the white walls and narrow corridors towards the end. I was a bit relief at the thought of seeing my parents after a long time. And the door opens and all I could see was darkness.  A smell burst out of sudden into my nose, I tried to figure out the smell and it felt like the rotten smell of meat. I was staring at each bed with a piece of white sheet over. But I could not sense the possibilities.

I asked Ayan, ‘you said you’ll take me to my ammi and abba, I can’t find them anywhere. Where they are Ayan?’

‘I am sorry, Mantasha’, Ayan says and push my chair forward in silence.

The fourth bed from the entrance made my wheelchair stop and I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. Ayan takes the white cloth a bit down and my heart wrecked apart into hailstones seeing abba lying dead on the bed and then ammi on the fifth bed. I never knew I was asking Ayan for something that can kill me with my eyes open. My eyes could no longer bear that moment and my body was so burned that I was not able to move forward to hold them tight even for the last time.  Though my body was paralyzed I could very well feel that pain of losing them. It felt like someone has suddenly forced a knife inside your flesh and the bleeding become continuous and transparent. The feeling of pain inside my soul couldn’t bring those tears flow down my cheeks may be because tears are not capable of reflecting the pain that I was feeling. Pains which tear can never clean away. They were my saviors; my ammi and abba. I was nothing without them. I felt broken completely.

Ayan brought me back to my bed; I lied in the bed ,dead. I could find no reason for surviving. Ayan asked,’ Mantasha, ‘let me take you home with me, you’ll be fine there. And there will be people at home who can look after you well and you can recover soon.’ But I rejected his proposal and said ‘no I am not coming with you.’ He insists me to come with him because he never wished to leave me alone when the world seems like brazen land with empty pieces to me. All I did was to refuse every time he insisted me to come with him. I ended up with an irritating sound asking him to leave me alone at my own condition, I don’t have anything else to lose in my life I will be happy if I die out this way as soon as dead arrives. My harsh words were enough for him to put his steps away from me. I saw his footsteps moving away from me slowly and then disappeared. He left.

The society I live in I knew for sure is all together different from that of Ayan’s. It is not required that the way Ayan treats me, everyone there at his society will do so. This was only the reason I rejected his words. Because his society will never give me that respect Ayan gets. And staying here at my own place I can at least be my own. I don’t have to hear the words of discrimination.  The society can never change its differences.

 

It was almost six months or more I don’t remember well that a letter arrives at the door of the room in the orphanage I stayed after my recoveries. As I open up the envelope it reads

Dear Mantasha,

        I am sorry to hear what happen to you and to your family. It is really sad to know about the death of ammi and abba. Hope you are doing well now. I am writing you this letter so that you never expect anything from me. Now that you are no longer like before and even you have lost your own people, my family won’t accept you. And I can’t go against my family. Anyway we never had a good relationship after our nikah. Hope you understand. Take care.

  Stay happy

 Rehan Ahmed.

 

‘When you fight to cling to people who are no longer meant to be in your life, you delay your destiny. Let them go’. I was not sad at reading the letter, I never expected Rehan to be a part of my sufferings. Losing him is not that painful as losing my parents and my self-confidence. But somewhere there was a fear in me of living in this cruel world that of all alone; but I did.

 

 

 

 

 

I was nineteen years old when I got married to Rehan. But my married life was never a successful one. I never wished for that marriage because I wanted to go for my graduation. But dealing hard with the poor condition of my family I said yes to the marriage. In my society finding a good guy with handsome amount of money and land is like finding a diamond. It was for my parent’s happiness that I went through the unwanted rituals of the marriage. But my married life was a hell. Rehan had another girl in his life; he was in love with that girl. He never felt anything for me and that was the reason why I never expect anything from him.

One day I have decided to leave my in-laws, who often tortured me in the name of dowry for my father was not able to give them everything they wished for.

I came back to my parents and when they asked I lied. I told my parents that Rehan wants me to continue my studies and therefore they have asked me to stay here as I took admission before my marriage. I never uttered a word about my problems in front of them. I know telling them the truth can break them apart so I stay quiet unless the day arrived during my second year of graduation, when the chawl incident took everything away from me.

 

With the passage of months life started to take its new shape. I started teaching students in the orphanage and few of that outside the orphanage. The money I had through tuitions help me to continue my graduation and one day another letter arrives at my door.

 

Dear Mantu,

        It’s been a year that I haven’t seen you. Sorry for leaving you alone there at the hospital. But I was in contact with the hospital authorities who informed me that you’ve joined an orphanage. And you are doing well in your life. I thought I will never appear in your life again but I can’t help returning back to you. There is something in you that don’t let me sleep peacefully seeing you unhappy. When your life falls apart, always remember that I will be the one who will stay to help you pick the pieces up. And when the rest of the world walks out on you, remember not to close the door, because I am the one who will be walking in to help you through it all. I have never seen a soul so strong, but trust me you are not made for only this. You have to do a lot more for your ammi and abba. I miss the old you, the bold you who can fight for justice. Wake up Mantu; I know you can do things your parents failed at achieving. If you ever fell like calling me just make me a call: 9875642247.

With love

Ayan.

 

It was the same evening I took my phone and dialed his number. Around the third ring he received my call…

‘Hello Ayan’, I call out his name as he receives my call.

‘Hello! Mantu’, as he picks up my call, I can hear his voice so dear to me after a year. How are you my girl? Trust me I was waiting for your call wondering whether you receive my letter or not.

Ooh, I reacted to his words and asked him to visit me once if he can for I want to apologize the way behaves with him at those hours when I had no one expect him. He said, ‘I will be there by tomorrow evening.’

With the hope of seeing each other after so long we ended up the call.

The next day Ayan arrived at my place with a yellow rose and some of my favorite vanilla cookies. He gave me a warm hug and a broad smile that could make me feel the happiness of seeing him after almost and year. I asked him to take his seat and we shared a cup of black coffee. Ayan speaks,’ Mantu I don’t know what you will think about my suggestion but I think we should restart the chawl case.’

‘The chawl case? I don’t think the restarting can create any change. I have already lost what I had, and like me there are many who have lost everything they had. So what is the use of re-opening the case?’ I said Ayan with a hopeless voice.

‘I understand Mantu; I understand every pain of yours and many others. But don’t you feel like taking the justice in your hands. Why to think about everything that you lost, think about the things that you can give back to all those who are alive and still trying hard to continue their life. ‘, he replied to my hopeless words.

His words could me sense and the case was re-opened. Ayan hired the best lawyer for the case and it took almost a year to get the case solved. The justice was given by the court. All those who were the part of the chawl got their land back and the government made new buildings over the land for all of them. It was one of the best feelings I had experienced in my life, I just wish that day if my ammi abba would have been alive to see this. But looking at Ayan with his smile was enough to take away all my sadness back.

In the meantime I was doing my masters and it was my last year when the case was solved. Ayan, who did everything for me without expecting anything in return also contributed to the position I hold today. He, who actually knew my interest in writing, took my collection and sends it to the publishing house he works in. After my completion of my masters, the news arrive that my writings were selected for publishing, it was surprising news for me.  The book soon published with the title ‘BORN TO BE BOUND’. The book holds a story very close to me. All that have touched my life are reflected through my story. I turn out to be the bestseller of the year and I have gained recognition through it.

However, my life still holds a part that I need to free myself from’ my marriage’. I asked Ayan about what to do with this matter and the next day he comes with a form, it was the divorce papers. Even though I felt like moving ahead without this trap of unknown relationship. There was a fear of leaving behind my marriage.

The form lying near my bed could frighten me for the whole night felt like a long journey with no ends. The mind and heart were at war once again, not able to decide whether to hold on or let it go or to let it be the way it is. With such confusion I opened my eyes the next day with a new fragrance. I took a pen from the drawer and without a second thought signed the papers. I felt a relief inside my soul and the trapped soul was set free forever to come. Now I am only known as ‘Mantasha Siddiki’ my only identity.

Ayan went America for his new job and I started writing more stuffs for women and rights. Initially I did everything I ever wish to do in my life. The shades of gray sky finally started showing its blues. Life was on track. I miss my ammi and abba, but then stay happy for I know they are happy wherever they are seeing me living with such pride. Today I am the chief- editor of ’Wilolud Publishing House’, I own two orphanages and still I go back to that name when any problem touches my soul ‘Ayan’ my soul mate.

By soul mate I don’t mean him to be my life partner. He is someone who is aligned with my soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of me in order for my soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness. He is a companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual whom I can lean on, trust and depend on for help throughout my life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect we share for both in sync with each other needs and wants. Everyone wants to meet their Soul mate. They arrive when we are ready to learn the lessons that we were destined to fulfill. They don’t always have to be romantic partners. Your connection is intense and so too is the relationship. Often it can move from extreme highs to extreme lows.

I could hear the sound of the claps as I end up my last few words

Life will show you dark shades, not dark shades it will show you the darkest of all. You will still have a ray of light, look around. Life is beautiful; you have a day, a month, and a year to change every misery into happiness. There are many stories your life is meant to tell. Live for the best of what you can achieve. Overcome your fears and all your scars. Live through the grace of stumbling. You don’t come here to be perfect you already are, wake up and take a glass of whatever makes your day better with your heads up as sky above. Discover a new song, a good book, have friends, a home food for the season changing, clothes for the mood swinging. Be a phoenix, be ashes, burn down and feel the smell of bakeshop, raindrops, the mediocre midnight’s, shades of the pavements for you need to shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. That’s enough. That’s better than great. It’s plenty.
The session ends with another success story, as I get back in home and open my secret stuff, I start writing…

Dear Secret Stuff,

Have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? Like the things we imagine about our life? Like the time that hurts? Like the hours that take our breath away? Like the days that make us vulnerable? Like the truths that heart doesn’t accept? Like the lies mind keep on building? And then the decisions that make you a different person you are today?  Every one of us can relate to this for we actually wonder about these things deep down in our head before falling into the unconscious world.
We whisper the word in the secrets, telling ourselves that we’re happy, or that people will change their mind. People will understand our reasons. They will go through our ‘No’ and its importance. They will respect our desires. They will give us reasons to love. They will put our thoughts in superiority. We persuade ourselves that we can live without the person who has left. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate hope that the next morning, it will all be true.
And later you may think it’s not true. But it’s true for once you put yourself under the sheets of letting go you just learn to live. You learn to overcome your never-ending feeling of scars. You end up loving your life. And why do these things take place. May be somewhere we actually did our best to deal with our insecurities. We fought through our wrong doings.  We learned to live without the one we thought life will not be a place to smile. So just because we did now; we can do forever. That’s all you need to believe in and start doing. For you need to let go of things that no longer makes you happy.
Stop chasing and start living. You are not meant to find souls within dead bodies. You are meant to find life in breath-taking…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tough as my soul that burns

I do not want to trust words; I do not want to trust even actions.

I am not that easy to be loved ❤

 

I will be a girl having my own dreams and desires. I will not worry about what people think about me rather I will love see people speaking behind my edges. I am not a girl who loves sitting at home and wondering things rather I love being in love with unknown people and places.

 

Dancing all night; clearing out my mind with chaos.  I love being drunk and fight out with my demons inside. I love to be hated. I want to be called as real rather not to be claimed as perfect. I am not born to be perfect rather than healing my wounds as I sing and dance and laugh. Loving me will break you apart trust me because I am no longer a girl who sees love with golden feathers.

 

I am not a shy tiny heart who believes the words of love you will say. Because, I am being in love with myself more than you.

 

You will break apart and pull your head into storm because the more you will care the more I will step backward. I do not want to trust words; I do not want to trust even actions. I am a girl so tough to fall in love with you, my dear.

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